Thoughts on Washington Football Team, all 32 NFL teams

The Washington Football Team’s 34-20 loss to Cleveland was bad, but Washington wasn’t the only team to suffer on Sunday.

Seeing as I currently have nothing to contribute to the “they all suck except for (fill in the blank with your favorite three Washington Football Team players)” movement, I will just take a spin around the country and offer you one observation about each of the 32 franchises that make up the National Football League.

Arizona Cardinals: They are definitely better, but they did lose to Detroit this week. Let’s pump the brakes.

Atlanta Falcons: As I write this, Dan Quinn is still the coach, but I am prepared to offer him temporary lodging. You know, just in case.

Baltimore Ravens: Remember like two years ago when the Ravens were the most boring team on the planet? Yeah – I don’t either.

Buffalo Bills: Josh Allen grabbed a pass rusher’s face mask during a play and wouldn’t let go. You gotta love Josh Allen.

Carolina Panthers: They finally won after 10 straight losses. All it took was benching that bum McCaffrey.

Cincinnati Bengals: This Burrow kid – yeah, he’s the real deal.

Chicago Bears: I predict right now that Mr. Foles and Mr. Trubisky will continue to relieve each other right into a 2020 playoff berth.

Cleveland Browns: They’ve really got a lot of talent, but it’s going to take a couple more years for them to wash the stench of losing off and start winning as much as they should.

Dallas Cowboys: Like most Washington Football Team fans and other rational people, I like to mock the Cowboys. But seeing how they could easily beat an all-star team made up of the rest of the division right now and are guaranteed at least six divisional wins this season, I am already preparing for their playoff run.

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Denver Broncos: Did you see who played QB for Denver this week? Brett Rypien! Mark’s nephew. Replacing the ineffective Jeff Driskel, not a single ball thrown by Brett hit the ground. Nine throws. Eight to his own team. One to other. No word on who might be playing QB for the Broncos next week.

Detroit Lions: They are not very good, but they did beat the Cardinals. Pump the gas.

Green Bay Packers: You know, John Elway didn’t win a Super Bowl until he had a running game late in his career. Well, Aaron Rodgers has already won a Super Bowl, and now he has a running game. Watch out.

Houston Texans: The 0-3 is misleading because they’ve played three very good teams. But how are those Bill O’Brien mad genius moves working out for you? I’m seeing a lot of Chip Kelly in his future.

Indianapolis Colts: Has a team ever been as identified by an offensive guard as the Colts and Quenton Nelson?

Kansas City Chiefs: Last team to repeat as Super Bowl champs? Even if you don’t remember, New England is a safe guess. How about the team before that? I’m thinking the Chiefs repeat. Here’s my analysis: They’re better than everyone else.

Los Angeles Chargers: They can change where they play. They can change their QB. They can change their coach, uniforms, and warm-up music. The Chargers will still lose games they should win.

Los Angeles Rams: P.I. giveth, and P.I. taketh away.

Jacksonville Jaguars: If you’re going to lose, you may as well lose with pizzazz. And a mullet.

Miami Dolphins: I think Fitzmagic should wear a Dolphins uniform when he is inducted into the Hall of Fame. He’s 34th on the all-time passing list and climbing.

Minnesota Vikings: Kirk Cousins represents the biggest differential between good fantasy QB and bad actual QB in the league.

New England Patriots: Rex Burkhead had a monster game this past week, which means, by Patriots math, we should not be hearing from Rex Burkhead again until sometime in November of 2021.

New Orleans Saints: Does anyone else hear the phrase “missed their window” when thinking about the Saints?

New York Giants/Jets: Neither team deserves an entire entry. Though to be fair, I should admit that their combined yardage this year is slightly more than the Cowboys by themselves.

Las Vegas Raiders: Jon Gruden — unlike Bill O’Brien — knows how to do crazy.

Philadelphia Eagles: They lost to 2019’s second-worst team in Week 1 and tied 2019’s worst team in Week 3. I don’t know if that is trending up or not.

San Francisco 49ers: Due to injury, they played the past two weeks with call-ups from the Balboa High Buccaneers and still stomped the Jets and Giants.

Seattle Seahawks: I have now moved Russell Wilson ahead of Fran Tarkenton on my “greatest short QB” list. Pretty soon, I will have to move him ahead of Drew Brees and – horrors! – Sonny Jurgenson into the top spot.

Pittsburgh Steelers: Last year was a disaster and they went 8-8. Some franchises are just always good.

Tampa Bay Buccaneers: I’ve done the math. If Mike Evans played with Tom Brady his whole career, he would have one zillion touchdowns.

Tennessee Titans: Didn’t they used to have a defense? I guess it doesn’t matter because they are still winning.

Washington Football Team: They all suck except for… no, I can’t do it. Click the link below for better analysis.

Bonus: Since I shortchanged you with the New Yorkers, here’s a random one. Did you see Panthers kicker Joey Slye stick Joe Reed on a kickoff return on Sunday? And it wasn’t a desperation tackle after a long return. Joey got way downfield and stuck his facemask right in there. There may be better kickers in the league, but I want Joey Slye on my team.