Yep Redskins Fans, We Have The Worst Stadium Commute
Well, this can’t exactly be called breaking news. After all, any Redskins’ fan who has driven to FedEx on game-day during the regular season has surely thought what the world now knows. USAToday.com and other news outlets are reporting that a study released today by TomTom, the manufacturer of my GPS device (yea, I’m cheap), concluded that traffic congestion on routes to FedEx Field in Landover are the worst in the entire NFL. That’s right – you heard it here 3rd, 4th, or whatever. Our commute officially @%$&s. That causes me to wonder out loud a bit.
You arrive at the stadium after a truly hellish commute and hunt for a parking space for which you paid at least $20. A few morons have effectively parked in two spaces or ignored the Redskins’ policy on tailgating, causing you to pass by the few decent spots left in green parking. You stroll on down toward the security gates, only to see them being mobbed by a sea of fans, 20% of whom are wearing other teams’ jerseys. No wonder we’re some of the loudest fans in the league. It isn’t because our home games are sold-out two decades in advance, though they are. It isn’t because we love the ‘Skins that much, though we do. It isn’t because our vocal chords are healthier than everyone else’s, allowing us to yell all game long while mere mortals sound like sick frogs by half-time.
Many of us miss kickoff after traveling four hours door-to-door. We’re just plain mad. Yes sir, we’re ticked off and we’re going to take it out on somebody. Might as well be the other team, right? Shy housewives scream at the Skins’ defense to stop the opponent’s offense, while mild-mannered white collar workers act like they’re ready to jump on the field and kick some serious butt. And that’s when we have a lead. Add to the other factors the cost of going to a game, and man are we ticked off.
I’ll tell ya, FedEx isn’t for the faint of heart. Opening the parking lots up at noon this Sunday may seem like a solution, but we’re conditioned to be angry even if the traffic patterns are kinder due to the early stadium access time. Redskins’ fans who can’t agree on a single political issue will give each other that knowing look as they tail-gate and think to themselves: ‘I know you want Dallas too‘. They won’t even realize their angst toward the Cowboys is amplified by traffic anxiety. Nope – at that moment their conscious minds won’t give traffic or ticket prices a second thought. Their frontal lobes will be burning with an emotional fire no other team provokes year in and year out. Their brain synapses will be firing off a million times a second. You never know – they may just buy some Cowboys’ shirts and accessories only to stomp on ’em or rip ’em apart. To add insult to injury, they’ll take what’s left of their mutilated Cowboys trinkets back and demand a refund.
Let’s all just take a moment, close our eyes, and breathe deeply. Woosah, woosah. Now, doesn’t that make you feel more docile when you think about those stuck up, over-rated, Colin Cowherd adored, Skip Bayless homey-loved, mirror-staring, posing for the camera, Redskins-mocking Dallas Cowboys? Hell no it doesn’t, because WE WANT DALLAS.
Where will you be at 8:00pm Sunday night? Never mind that, just get there on time and wear your burgundy and gold. To those of you who won’t make it to FedEx: when you hear the stadium crowd chant We Want Dallas through your televisions, chant with them. Let ’em hear it all the way to Big D. Make sure it rings in the Cowboys players’ ears as they go back where they came from after they lose. Who says you don’t mess with Texas? Redskins fans do, every chance we get. We wouldn’t have it any other way. Go Skins!