That’s right. Apparently the Redskins lost because of some bureaucratic error. Here is the exclusive documentation of a conversation Chris Mortensen may or may not have overheard.
8:04am Sunday October 12, 2008. The Halls of Football Elysium. Football Heaven.
<God of Fumbles enters>
<God of Interceptions enters>
God of Fumbles: Mornin’ Ed.
God of Interceptions: Mornin’ George.
God of Fumbles: How’s the wife?
God of Interceptions: Just fine. Yours?
God of Fumbles: Same. Big day ahead, huh? Lots of upsets.
God of Fumbles: No kidding. I think I get to go screw around with the Cowboys today.
God of Interceptions: Ha! That sounds like fun.
God of Fumbles: Yup. Just wait ’till you see how it ends! You should stop by. It’ll be cool.
God of Interceptions: Really? Okay, I just might do that.
<Enter God of Safeties>
God of Safeties: Hi guys!
Ed and George: <sighing together> Hi Ned.
God of Safeties: Can’t I do something this week? Let me do something with a game!
God of Interceptions: We’ve talked about this Ned. You’re just not experienced enough to handle an every week sort of job yet. That’s why they’ve got you working on safeties.
God of Safeties: You never let me do anything! It’s not fair!
God of Fumbles: Now Ned, you know how it is. You’re just an intern. Maybe in a few years we can bump you up to “Incorrect replay reversals” or something. Just be patient. I was working Safeties back a few years ago and look where I am now! Once you have more experience like me…
God of Safeties: Experience?!? You mean experience messing things up? Like YOU do?
God of Fumbles: What are you talking about?
God of Safeties: You really messed up this season, and you don’t even know it! Ha Ha! I’m going to tell upper management if you don’t let me in a game!
God of Interceptions: If you know something, you need to tell us Ned…
God of Safeties: Not unless you let me play too! I wanna play!
God of Fumbles: Hmmm. Fine. IF this pans out, we’ll give you a game. That’s how this works you know. You give me something, I give you something. Now, whatcha got?
God of Safeties: We’re about to start week six, right?
God of Interceptions: Uhm hmmm.
God of Safeties: Well…you guys completely forgot one team. The Washington Redskins. They haven’t had any turnovers at all this year.
God of Fumbles: What?
God of Interceptions:<shuffles through documents> None? None at all? That can’t be right.
God of Fumbles: <types frantically on Computer> This *IS* still the Jason Campbell era isn’t it? I didn’t fall asleep and wake up in a different epoch or something?
God of Safeties: Nope! You just filed their invoices in the wrong team folder. Some poor schmuck named Rome-Oh or something got them all.
God of Fumbles: <muses dreamily> God I love blindsiding that poor bastard Campbell. Me and the God of Sacks have this arrangement…
God of Interceptions: Oh crap, Upper Management in the division of Parity is going to ream us for this one when they catch wind of this. No way this slides.
God of Safeties: <interrupts> So I get to play?!?
God of Interceptions: <distracted> Yes yes, go do something with the Lions. Nobody cares about them anyway.
God of Safeties: Hooray!
<God of Safeties exits>
God of Interceptions: We’re screwed.
God of Fumbles: Totally fucked.
God of Interceptions: No hope. Unless…<pause> No, it’ll never work.
God of Fumbles: What? Unless what? Tell me! I can’t get demoted back to “BotchedReferee Calls.” I’ll smite myself if I have to listen to Hochuli’s weepy prayers all day long.
God of Interceptions: We could…just play catch up.
God of Fumbles: <pauses> What do you mean?
God of Interceptions: We could just give them all the turnovers they were supposed to have. You know. Do it all at once.
God of Fumbles: Nobody will buy it. They’re playing the *Rams* for crying out loud.
God of Interceptions: I guess Mister Hochuli will have you on speed dial pretty soon then.
God of Fumbles: Right. I’ll get started.
God of Interception: The Redskins are your turf. I’m too swamped dealing with somebody I’ve never even heard of. O’sully’s van or something like that. I can run interference with Upper Management, but that’s it. You’re going to have to be creative.
God of Fumbles: No problem. I’ll do an offensive lineman.
God of Interceptions: What?
God of Fumbles: I want an offensive lineman to fumble.
God of Interceptions: You know they…they don’t actually handle the ball.
God of Fumbles: I’ll find a way. Trust me.
God of Interceptions: Whatever. Just deal with it. I’ll see you in Arizona.
God of Fumbles: Yeah. Oh hey Ed?
God of Interceptions: Yeah George?
God of Fumbles: If you run into the God of Punt Blocking, bring him along.
God of Interceptions: You mean Wally? Okay…why?
God of Fumbles: I might have something for him in overtime. You’ll see.
<Both Gods Exit>