Mort says Football Gods Planned Redskins Loss to "Catch up" on Turnover Mistake.

That’s right.  Apparently the Redskins lost because of some bureaucratic error.  Here is the exclusive documentation of a conversation Chris Mortensen may or may not have overheard. 

8:04am Sunday October 12, 2008. The Halls of Football Elysium. Football Heaven.

<God of Fumbles enters>
<God of Interceptions enters>
God of Fumbles:  Mornin’ Ed.
God of Interceptions: Mornin’ George.
God of Fumbles: How’s the wife?
God of Interceptions: Just fine. Yours?
God of Fumbles:  Same.  Big day ahead, huh? Lots of upsets. 
God of Fumbles:  No kidding. I think I get to go screw around with the Cowboys today. 
God of Interceptions: Ha! That sounds like fun.
God of Fumbles: Yup. Just wait ’till you see how it ends!  You should stop by. It’ll be cool.
God of Interceptions: Really? Okay, I just might do that.
<Enter God of Safeties>
God of Safeties:  Hi guys!
Ed and George: <sighing together>  Hi Ned.
God of Safeties: Can’t I do something this week? Let me do something with a game!
God of Interceptions:  We’ve talked about this Ned.  You’re just not experienced enough to handle an every week sort of job yet. That’s why they’ve got you working on safeties.
God of Safeties: You never let me do anything! It’s not fair!
God of Fumbles: Now Ned, you know how it is.  You’re just an intern. Maybe in a few years we can bump you up to “Incorrect replay reversals” or something.  Just be patient.  I was working Safeties back a few years ago and look where I am now!  Once you have more experience like me…
God of Safeties: Experience?!?  You mean experience messing things up?  Like YOU do?
God of Fumbles: What are you talking about?
God of Safeties:  You really messed up this season, and you don’t even know it! Ha Ha!  I’m going to tell upper management if you don’t let me in a game!
God of Interceptions: If you know something, you need to tell us Ned…
God of Safeties:  Not unless you let me play too!  I wanna play!
God of Fumbles: Hmmm.  Fine. IF this pans out, we’ll give you a game.  That’s how this works you know.  You give me something, I give you something.  Now, whatcha got?
God of Safeties:  We’re about to start week six, right?
God of Interceptions:  Uhm hmmm.
God of Safeties:  Well…you guys completely forgot one team.  The Washington Redskins. They haven’t had any turnovers at all this year.
God of Fumbles:  What?
God of Interceptions:<shuffles through documents>  None?  None at all? That can’t be right. 
God of Fumbles: <types frantically on Computer>  This *IS* still the Jason Campbell era isn’t it?  I didn’t fall asleep and wake up in a different epoch or something?
God of Safeties: Nope! You just filed their invoices in the wrong team folder.  Some poor schmuck named Rome-Oh or something got them all.
God of Fumbles: <muses dreamily> God I love blindsiding that poor bastard Campbell.  Me and the God of Sacks have this arrangement…
God of Interceptions: Oh crap, Upper Management in the division of Parity is going to ream us for this one when they catch wind of this.  No way this slides.
God of Safeties: <interrupts> So I get to play?!?
God of Interceptions: <distracted> Yes yes, go do something with the Lions. Nobody cares about them anyway.
God of Safeties:  Hooray!
<God of Safeties exits>
God of Interceptions:  We’re screwed.
God of Fumbles: Totally fucked.
God of Interceptions:  No hope. Unless…<pause> No, it’ll never work.
God of Fumbles:  What? Unless what? Tell me! I can’t get demoted back to “BotchedReferee Calls.”  I’ll smite myself if I have to listen to Hochuli’s weepy prayers all day long.
God of Interceptions:  We could…just play catch up.
God of Fumbles:  <pauses>  What do you mean?
God of Interceptions:  We could just give them all the turnovers they were supposed to have.  You know.  Do it all at once.
God of Fumbles:  Nobody will buy it.  They’re playing the *Rams* for crying out loud.
God of Interceptions:  I guess Mister Hochuli will have you on speed dial pretty soon then.
<lengthy pause>
God of Fumbles:  Right.  I’ll get started.
God of Interception: The Redskins are your turf.  I’m too swamped dealing with somebody I’ve never even heard of.  O’sully’s van or something like that.  I can run interference with Upper Management, but that’s it. You’re going to have to be creative. 
God of Fumbles:  No problem. I’ll do an offensive lineman. 
God of Interceptions:  What?
God of Fumbles:  I want an offensive lineman to fumble.
God of Interceptions:  You know they…they don’t actually handle the ball.
God of Fumbles:  I’ll find a way. Trust me.
God of Interceptions:  Whatever.  Just deal with it.  I’ll see you in Arizona.
God of Fumbles:  Yeah. Oh hey Ed?
God of Interceptions: Yeah George?
God of Fumbles: If you run into the God of Punt Blocking, bring him along.
God of Interceptions: You mean Wally? Okay…why?
God of Fumbles: I might have something for him in overtime.  You’ll see.
<Both Gods Exit>
 
 

 

 

 

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