13 Oct
Mort says Football Gods Planned Redskins Loss to “Catch up” on Turnover Mistake.
Posted by: guyskins
That’s right. Apparently the Redskins lost because of some bureaucratic error. Here is the exclusive documentation of a conversation Chris Mortensen may or may not have overheard.
8:04am Sunday October 12, 2008. The Halls of Football Elysium. Football Heaven.
<God of Fumbles enters><God of Interceptions enters>
God of Fumbles: Mornin’ Ed.
God of Interceptions: Mornin’ George.
God of Fumbles: How’s the wife?
God of Interceptions: Just fine. Yours?
God of Fumbles: Same. Big day ahead, huh? Lots of upsets.
God of Fumbles: No kidding. I think I get to go screw around with the Cowboys today.
God of Interceptions: Ha! That sounds like fun.
God of Fumbles: Yup. Just wait ’till you see how it ends! You should stop by. It’ll be cool.
God of Interceptions: Really? Okay, I just might do that.
<Enter God of Safeties>
God of Safeties: Hi guys!
Ed and George: <sighing together> Hi Ned.
God of Safeties: Can’t I do something this week? Let me do something with a game!
God of Interceptions: We’ve talked about this Ned. You’re just not experienced enough to handle an every week sort of job yet. That’s why they’ve got you working on safeties.
God of Safeties: You never let me do anything! It’s not fair!
God of Fumbles: Now Ned, you know how it is. You’re just an intern. Maybe in a few years we can bump you up to “Incorrect replay reversals” or something. Just be patient. I was working Safeties back a few years ago and look where I am now! Once you have more experience like me…
God of Safeties: Experience?!? You mean experience messing things up? Like YOU do?
God of Fumbles: What are you talking about?
God of Safeties: You really messed up this season, and you don’t even know it! Ha Ha! I’m going to tell upper management if you don’t let me in a game!
God of Interceptions: If you know something, you need to tell us Ned…
God of Safeties: Not unless you let me play too! I wanna play!
God of Fumbles: Hmmm. Fine. IF this pans out, we’ll give you a game. That’s how this works you know. You give me something, I give you something. Now, whatcha got?
God of Safeties: We’re about to start week six, right?
God of Interceptions: Uhm hmmm.
God of Safeties: Well…you guys completely forgot one team. The Washington Redskins. They haven’t had any turnovers at all this year.
God of Fumbles: What?
God of Interceptions:<shuffles through documents> None? None at all? That can’t be right.
God of Fumbles: <types frantically on Computer> This *IS* still the Jason Campbell era isn’t it? I didn’t fall asleep and wake up in a different epoch or something?
God of Safeties: Nope! You just filed their invoices in the wrong team folder. Some poor schmuck named Rome-Oh or something got them all.
God of Fumbles: <muses dreamily> God I love blindsiding that poor bastard Campbell. Me and the God of Sacks have this arrangement…
God of Interceptions: Oh crap, Upper Management in the division of Parity is going to ream us for this one when they catch wind of this. No way this slides.
God of Safeties: <interrupts> So I get to play?!?
God of Interceptions: <distracted> Yes yes, go do something with the Lions. Nobody cares about them anyway.
God of Safeties: Hooray!
<God of Safeties exits>
God of Interceptions: We’re screwed.
God of Fumbles: Totally fucked.
God of Interceptions: No hope. Unless…<pause> No, it’ll never work.
God of Fumbles: What? Unless what? Tell me! I can’t get demoted back to “BotchedReferee Calls.” I’ll smite myself if I have to listen to Hochuli’s weepy prayers all day long.
God of Interceptions: We could…just play catch up.
God of Fumbles: <pauses> What do you mean?
God of Interceptions: We could just give them all the turnovers they were supposed to have. You know. Do it all at once.
God of Fumbles: Nobody will buy it. They’re playing the *Rams* for crying out loud.
God of Interceptions: I guess Mister Hochuli will have you on speed dial pretty soon then.
<lengthy pause>
God of Fumbles: Right. I’ll get started.
God of Interception: The Redskins are your turf. I’m too swamped dealing with somebody I’ve never even heard of. O’sully’s van or something like that. I can run interference with Upper Management, but that’s it. You’re going to have to be creative.
God of Fumbles: No problem. I’ll do an offensive lineman.
God of Interceptions: What?
God of Fumbles: I want an offensive lineman to fumble.
God of Interceptions: You know they…they don’t actually handle the ball.
God of Fumbles: I’ll find a way. Trust me.
God of Interceptions: Whatever. Just deal with it. I’ll see you in Arizona.
God of Fumbles: Yeah. Oh hey Ed?
God of Interceptions: Yeah George?
God of Fumbles: If you run into the God of Punt Blocking, bring him along.
God of Interceptions: You mean Wally? Okay…why?
God of Interceptions: You mean Wally? Okay…why?
God of Fumbles: I might have something for him in overtime. You’ll see.
<Both Gods Exit>
That was really entertaining.
October 13th, 2008 at 11:11 pmThanks! I came up with the idea while trudging back from the stadium to the car. That was a long trip home. Glad you liked it.
October 13th, 2008 at 11:51 pmThe RAMS!? How Embarrasing. <Grin> Where is all the smack from justin (radio) this week? Thats right Radio, Stay in your whole on this one because this loss is so sad. How pathetic. LOL LOL. Ok lets hear how we lost and about the injuries and all that shit we all know your going to say. Save it, I just said it for you so if you come at me with all that shit then everyone will know that your a gay.
October 14th, 2008 at 9:04 amI don’t think either of us can talk much smack right now. Losing to the Rams is more humiliating than losing to the Cards, but the WAY you lost had to be gut wrenching, and the blow you took with all those injuries was terrible. It makes me almost feel sorry for you guys. Almost.
Thank God the Giants lost too.
October 14th, 2008 at 1:01 pmBoth losses were pretty painful. Last second field goal against the worst team in the league and a blocked punt for a TD as well as plenty of our players getting hurt…..
Still beats getting spanked on MNF, right?????? hah
Any sentiments on why you guys signed Shawn Alexander?
October 14th, 2008 at 8:20 pmTwo thoughts:
1. They’re worried that Betts may be out longer than they’re saying.
2. They were worried that someone else in the NFC East would sign him (eg Philly to replace the injured Westbrook or the Cowboys to replace Felix Jones on the roster).
3. Zorn IS from Seattle so he’s likely to be partial to Alexander.
October 14th, 2008 at 11:16 pmyeah, but will he get similar carries to betts???? i got rb problems in my fantasy league and bye weeks are’nt doing me any favors either, so i was going to pick him up for depth???
October 15th, 2008 at 10:54 amis that dexter manley in the picture?????looks like him????
October 15th, 2008 at 10:57 amOn the local radio, I heard Coach Zorn say that he was in shape but that he obviously hadn’t played a game all year or practiced. It sounded to me like he won’t play this week at all and they’re going to use Rock Cartwright instead. Next week I’d expect them to use Alexander the way they used Betts.
Oh, and the photo is of Terry Tate, Office Linebacker.
October 15th, 2008 at 11:04 am