I got 99 problems but my Survivor pick ain’t one
If you used the Niners already I feel bad for you son
Cuz I got 99 problems but my Survivor pick ain’t one
What a difference a week … and a collective bargaining agreement… can make. Do you think it is any coincidence that order is restored in the Survivor football universe the same week the real referees take charge? Houston TexansTexans (4-0, Riggo’s Rag Power Rankings 1) – WIN. Baltimore Ravens (3-1, RRPR 4) – WIN. Survivor players – HAPPY. Do not forget, the Patriots actually scored the game winning touchdown against the Cardinals in Week 2 before it was called back by a phantom holding call on Rob “I Have Big Pecs” Gronkowski from some muttonhead who is now safely back teaching remedial English to Lingere Bowl rejects.
(For the purposes of this article we assume the most popular answer on our poll is the one that was used to survive last week. So far we have used Houston, Cincinnati, Dallas, and Baltimore.)
For the six percent of you still alive in your Survivor leagues – and Lombardi bless you if you are – this week will be easier than clinching the AL West with a 13-game lead over a team with less than half your payroll and not a single fantasy player on the roster. It’s the Niners (3-1, RRPR 2) over the Buffaloed Bills (2-2, RRPR 24) this week mis amigos. The Bills’ two wins this year are against two teams with a win total of 1!: the Chiefs (1-3, RRPR 23) and Browns (0-4, RRPR 29). In their other two games, the Bills have lost by an average of 22 points – including a 20-point spanking by the propeller-less New York Jets (2-2, RRPR 27), and a 24-point flogging at home by an offense some think is slipping. The New England Patriots (2-2, RRPR 5) scored more points in the final 20 minutes than they had scored in any single game this year. Meanwhile, the Niners remain the class of the NFC, beating that same Jets crew 34-0 in New York.
If you have already spent your Niners token this Survivor season, the sucker play is the New York “Should Be” Giants (2-2, RRPR 9). Barring a 14-point collapse in Week 2 from an underperforming Tampa Bay Buccaneers (1-3, RRPR 19) team, the Giants would be 1-3. The only solid victory the “Should Be”s have this season is against an over-hyped, under-talented Carolina Panthers group (1-3, RRPR 25). Last season, the Giants were a double-digit favorite at home in Week 5 to an uppity Seattle Seahawks squad (2-2, RRPR 12), and were beaten in every facet of the game. The Giants, who historically play down to their competition, are poised to repeat Week 5 history this season against the Browns.
The better Plan B is the Cincinnati Bengals (3-1, RRPR 15) over the Miami Dolphins (1-3, RRPR 28) The Guppies are playing on the road for the second straight week, and are feeling the emotional hangover of back-to-back last minute losses in games they had no business losing. I like the Bengals by double digits in this one.
As for our Beltway Boys, I’m, uh-hem, picking the Falcons (4-0, RRPR 3). (Although there are much better picks than against our 3.5 point home dogs.) Basically, I don’t like our secondary vs. their air attack, but more on that later today.