Pop quiz – What do Josh Morgan and Stephen Gostkowski have in common? Answer: They have earned permanent “Not Invited” status to all Christmas parties, birthday bashes, and other decadently planned soirees at Chez Moi… forever. And that’s a REAL “forever” Messrs. Morgan and Gostkowski. No amount of fine Bookers whiskey and “I love you” 2am texts are going to get you out of this one.
That city-wide groan of bewilderment you heard ringing throughout the DC-area as the boneheaded, noodle-armed Josh “Captain” Morgan incomprehensibly shot-putted the football at Cortland Finnegan’s helmet (watch the replay – it was as embarrassingly wimpy of a throw as it was incomprehensively moronic of a move) was drowned out only by the piercing 10-year-old-girl-like shriek of unadulterated hysteria coming from my living room as Stephen “Snausuges” Gostkowski of the New England Patriots did his best Phil Mickelson-under-pressure-tee shot impersonation, shanking the game-deciding 42-yard field goal attempt so far off to the left that it may very well have hit Robert Kraft sitting in his sideline luxury box.
Much like when Al Del Greco lost his standing as the greatest NFL football player of all time, I just do not have the heart to go on providing survivor league picks. In a world where the Patriots lose their season opener at Gillette Stadium for the first time ever to a football grouping (no – not a team, a grouping) led by Kevin “Please Don’t Hit Me” Kolb, what is the point? But I must. You – my fellow Redskins radicals, count on me to keep your Wednesday workday afternoons entertaining as you feign being productive and profitable for the Man. Alas, I’ll keep going. Just for you… and, well, my job kinda requires it too.
So, for the 20% of you that are still alive in Survivor Leagues, this week does not have any clear choices. Remember, Houston and Cincinnati have now been used, not that I would touch either of those games this week. (Since this is for those of you still alive in your pools, I am going under the assumption you picked Cincinnati last week based on this column’s poll that was conducted.) The Skins (1-1, RR Power Ranking 18, SI Power Ranking 16) host an overrated Cincinnati Bengals club (1-1, RRPR 19, SIPR 20) at FedEx Field. The Burgundy and Gold are a 3 ½ point favorites, and -180 on the money line. I like RG III to lead the Skins to victory in this one (just as long as the “Captain” stays anchored on the sidelines). The Bungles had a difficult time at home last week beating “rookie” Grandpappy Weeden, and got embarrassed by the Baltimore Ravens (1-1, RRPR 5, SIPR 4) in Week 1. However, I think there are better picks on the board.
For my money (pretending there is any left after Snausuges Gostkowski), I like the San Francisco 49ers (RRPR 1, SIPR 1) over Minnesota (RRPR 26, SIPR 26). While I typically do not choose road teams, this week offers a pretty weak slate of home favorites. Almost 30% of Survivor players are picking the head-coachless New Orleans Saints (0-2, RRPR 21, SIPR 23) at home over the gawd-awful Kansas City Chiefs (0-2, RRPR 27, SIPR30). However, I choose teams who have yet to win a game even more rarely than I do road teams. Plus, my Spidey-senses are telling me the Saints are an inch away from a total implosion. If the Aints find themselves losing early, it could be over for New Orleans… for the whole season.