Worried that this Saturday, May 21st is the beginning of the Rapture? Upset the world as we know it is about to end before the Redskins win another Super Bowl? Fear not my fellow hog heads! I assure you that the world will indeed continue to spin on May 22nd, and your best friends will not vanish right before your eyes minutes before the beginning of the Preakness. It is said that no man can predict the end of time, however I believe the contrary. I know the exact criteria that will indeed signify the end times. The alignment of these five events will undoubtedly signify immediate and ultimate doom.
5) The large hadron collider discovers that the elusive Higgs boson is none other than our own Albert Haynesworth. With the discovery that Haynesworth is an element that explains inconsistencies in theoretical physics, civilization naturally will self-implode.
4) John Beck starts at quarterback proving LaVar Arrington to be right. I don’t know which a more significant sign is; the fact that Beck starts or Arrington was indeed right about it several months ago. Maybe Arrington knows the actual date of the apocalypse as well.
3) The quarterback situation is finally settled and all Redskins fans are happy. Oh, there will be a new quarterback, but I guarantee you, not all fans will be happy. However, if a dark horse QB appears out of nowhere, say for example Payton Manning (or the likes) decides he wants a change of scenery because he really likes DC, then be assured the end is near.
*Note: Obviously 4 and 3 cannot happen simultaneously, so pick your poison and ignore the plot hole.
2) Dan Snyder relinquishes control of the Redskins and decides to sell the team. The weight of chasing down frivolous lawsuits becomes too much and Snyder just can’t manage both the Redskins and court. Throw in Peter Angelos selling the Orioles and the universe will truly self-implode. Really, though. I like Dan Snyder. He’s done great. Please don’t sue me.
1) The Redskins win the 2012 Super Bowl. Armageddon might not be predictable, but this cheap number one cause was. Don’t be discouraged though. Things look better in 2013. That is, if the Mayans are wrong.